Just me.

I am a sensitive person. Ok, I am a VERY sensitive person. Those who have known me only a short time may find it hard to believe that i used to be a LOT more sensitive. How is that possible? It's possible. . there are scars on my marriage to prove it. Ok, that sounds a bit extreme. Lets just say that James and I could have avoided many a conflict if I was not so sensitive. . and yes maybe if he were a bit MORE sensitive. But that's neither here nor there. We've both improved. He is much more thoughtful than he used to be and yes I have improved too. But still the fact remains, I am a sensitive person.

I try to spin this in different ways in my head. I am sensitive. Translation: I am an artist! Or, I am so much kinder than other people BECAUSE of my tendency to be ultra sensitive. I try to make it into a virtuous thing. It isn't. It's just what it is. Yes, maybe there are some pluses to being sensitive. . SOMETIMES. But most of the time it just ends in my being a big baby all the time. My feelings get hurt easily. It's so bad that my TWO YEAR OLD is capable of hurting my feelings!

Here's the point. I am trying to figure out how I am to use this trait. God made me this way. He made me ultra sensitive. HE didn't intend for my feelings to be hurt constantly (as they are) but HE did intend for me to be a certain instrument. . a certain part of the body. My sensitivity must be turned toward others I think. I think? I know! I must stop turning inward and reveling in my hurt feelings over someone's words or being left out or overlooked. The more I turn outward with a giving heart, sensitivity and thoughtfulness to others the more I am glorifying my Father. The more I strive to cultivate a thankful heart the better it will go for me and the easier it will be to deal with the hurts that come. I'll be able to "get over myself" and get on with the business of loving people instead of myself.

Hard lesson. :)

life goes on

My babies are growing up. The oldest one can't really be called a baby anymore. She is going to be 2 in just a couple of weeks! my real baby is a baby but is almost 3 months old himself! I go back and forth between rejoicing that things are getting a little easier and bemoaning the fact that they are growing up. :)

We go through a lot of diapers at our house and even though i don't exclusively cloth diaper my washer stays busy. I do not know how you mama's who ONLY use cloth do it. I sure love all the cute diaper colors.

So life goes on. . . 

We go on lots of walks. I clean up lots of spit up. KL tries to learn to go the potty. Russell finds his fists. James brews beer. James and I try to stay connected and not get too exhausted. These are trying times. These are awesome times. :) Meanwhile, I'll write a song and snuggle up to my husband at night and try to catch those few hours before it's baby feeding time again. I know these days will go fast. Trying my best to enjoy them. 

(streets we often find ourselves on. . we love our double jogging stroller.) 

life in the loony bin

I often feel these days that I actually live in a loony bin. I live for quiet moments and alone time. I live for a clean bathroom and time to read a book. I live for clean laundry and a spotless kitchen. And then I realize. . I actually live for my kid's smiles. For Russell's coos and KL's sweet kisses to her brother.  Yes the clean laundry, the quiet moments, the alone time keep me sane but it's not what I live for. . not really. I actually live to see my family happy and healthy. The quiet moments help me get to a place that helps me make that happen. :)

It's a boy! russell Allen arrived July 27th at 3:54 AM. Approx. 4 hours after we arrived at the hospital. The timing could not have been more perfect.

Labor began almost 24 hours previously though. I woke up about 3AM on the 26th with my first contraction. Tried to go back to sleep and did off and on until about 5AM. I gave up at that point and got up to watch movies and sit on my birthing ball (a life saver by the way). I had an OB appointment already scheduled for later that day. So I was excited to go in and get checked to see if I was making progress. I spent the morning playing with KL and waiting for contractions that continued to come off and on but they were very manageable so it didn't interfere with KL's and my normal morning routine. I went for my appointment at 11 and even brought my suitcase with me in case my doctor sent me straight to the hospital. Alas, it was not meant to be. I was only 1 cm dilated but I was 50% effaced. So my doctor advised me to go home, rest, walk when I felt like it and he said he might see me later that night or in the morning.

KL and I headed home after a quick stop at Chick Fil A. . . conveniently locate right across from hospital/doctors office. ahem. We got home and proceeded to take naps. My contractions actually started to peter out and I was getting discouraged. In hind sight it was a good thing because it allowed me to sleep for 2 hours, which I desperately needed to do!

James got home about 4. We ate supper, played with KL, watched netflix and then decided to go for a walk. This got the contractions going again! Big time! They were still very manageable but I could tell stuff was happening! :) We walked for about an hour and a half. When we got home I showered and James got KL ready for bed. I made sure all my ducks were in a row for leaving for the hospital and spent some more time with KL before putting her to bed. The last time I would put her to bed with just her to think about and not another child needing attention.

 On our walk my contraction got as close as 5 mins apart and were lasting a good 45 seconds. I had been texting a friend off an on all day about my progress and after telling her this she suggested she come over and walk with me again after KL was in bed to keep things moving. I said sure. . so about 9PM she arrived and I sent James to bed to get some sleep if he could and we walked a good hour and a half. My contractions really ramped up at htis point and got about 4 mins apart lasting a min or more by the end of the walk.  I was still not ready to go to the hospital. . . more psychologically than anything. I was terrified of getting there and stalling like I did with KL. But I could not deny the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. I couldn't talk through them anymore and by the end of our walk I was having to stop and lean on something during each contraction. R (my friend), who has had 4 babies naturally herself, strongly suggested we go on to the hospital and at least have them check my progress. I agreed. We got back to the house and I woke up James. R said she would stay with KL until our other friend arrived to stay until KL's grandmother got there. . all in the event we ended up staying at the hospital. Well we did!

We arrived at the hospital at midnight and found out I was 5 cm and 80% effaced! Contractions were getting so tough at this point and I was trying so hard to focus on the progress I was making and not on the fear the this baby was posterior positioned as well. I was feeling a lot of lower back pain so I really had no clue if the baby was positioned correctly or not. When I finally got in my room and was finally off the monitor and free to move around I got right on my birthing ball. Oh my word, this helped SO MUCH! I stayed on it almost the entire time except to get checked or go to the bathroom. James pulled up a rocking chair and sat behind me and rubbed my back through each contraction. He was such a calming influence over me. . nothing rattled him.

 The next time the nurse checked me I was 7 cm. Progress! but I was still so distrustlful that this was all happening like it was supposed to. With KL I got all the way to 9 cm and then stalled for hours. So all the nurse's and James' encouraging words about how well I was doing fell on deaf ears. I wasn't going to believe anyone until I was holding this baby in my arms!

Back on the ball. . I came so close to asking for drugs at htis point. Oh so close. I was wishing for the nice warm birthing tub that I had with KL. I would have gotten in the shower except it hurt too much to move! Another hour or so and the nurse asked if  I was feeling any pressure. . and I was like "uh . . yeah. . a lot." She said she wanted to check me again so she could give the doctor enough time to get there in case I was about to need to push. At this point she said she could not even feel cervix anymore just a bulging bag of waters. I was adamant that my water not be broken by anyone. So the pressure began and I was told my  doctor was on his way.

By the time the doctor got there all they were waiting for was my water to break. The doctor mentioned once that I really needed my water broken but after I refused he let it go. I finally felt the urge to actually push. . a scary feeling by the way if you've never felt it. After about 2-3 pushes my water finally broke on its own. about 2 more pushes and Russell was OUT!  Ah such relief! I was shocked and over joyed to hear his cry and see the head full of dark hair. Wow. I could not believe it was OVER! At one point during the worst moments of the labor I am pretty sure I swore (at least silently) that I would NEVER put myself through this again. LOL But, when I saw Russell's sweet face I knew it was all worth it. :) Russell arrived almost exactly 4 hours after checking into the hospital. Perfect timing.

Recovery time was so quick compared to last time. I could walk on my own within an hour or two and took a shower by myself a few hours later. It was an amazing feeling to feel so good after giving birth. With KL it took forever for the epidural to wear off and even longer for me to be back to normal because of all the hemorrhaging.

So yes, I got my natural, completely drug free birth. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and also the  most incredible feeling to have DONE it. I give all the glory to God. . truly for it wasn't in my own strength that I did anything. I am so thankful for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. . . I am also so thankful for a loving and supportive husband who has taken such good care of all of us.

So, then there were four. . . .


Let the adventures begin. (hopefully to be seen on this blog.)

So in just a few weeks this little girl, my first baby girl will become the Big Sister. Sigh. I am treasuring up our time together. . These last few weeks of just me and her. My first, my long hoped for, waited for, prayed for, Katy Lynn.  She has been the biggest challenge of my life so far and definitely the greatest joy (coming in a close second to my marriage to her father of course.)

 Life is unimaginable without her. I daily have to offer her up to the one that Loves her more than James and I ever could. Daily I have to remind myself that she is His and only loaned to us. Every moment I desire and pray that she would never know a day when she did not know the love of  Jesus Christ and that she would never know a day that she did not love Him. What a blessing that would be. God is so VERY good.

a philosophy

(picture from a tranquil morning at the Mockingbird, waiting for our breakfast.) 

My new Philosophy is this: do what you can, when you can,  the best that you can. This may seem simple but it really works out to be quite complex in my everyday life. 

I tend to get paralyzed very easily about all the things i want/need to accomplish. I feel like most days I am just barely treading water by barely keeping up with the dishes and laundry. When I think of all the extras I'd like to achieve I get so overwhelmed to the point that I am likely to neglect the basics even out of sheer exhaustion and the feeling that it's all useless anyway. . why even try? Why even bother with the dishes when I can't seem to get started finish the scrap book I started? why even put away the laundry if my little girls room still isn't pretty and girly like I have always imagined? This seems pretty illogical I know but it's how my mind works. 

I am not giving up on the extras because I still have hope that I can create a tranquil, pulled together, each child with their own scrap book, home. . one step at a time. Just not right this minute maybe. Right now my focus has to be on doing what I can, when I can, the best that I can. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Plan meals. Put away a few things when you can. Organize a closet when the moment presents itself the best you can before the toddler starts pulling on you too hard. One step at a time. There will not be a perfect time to make a home. You just have to do it along the way. :) 

I am a mess of a person. I think that's why I feel like I can't or just shouldn't be blogging most of the time. My house is a mess, my emotions are mostly a mess, my heart is definitely a mess.But maybe that's what it is supposed to be about after all. . . my big messy life.  My big messy life and the God who is cleaning me up. . . over and over again.
(a quote from one of my favorite songs that I am finding particularly meaningful today.)

"It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home 
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart"

~Roll Away Your Stone from Mumford and Sons