how can i be joyful today?

sounds so plastic, fake, and just nauseating doesn't it? lately when i force myself to think about joy i just get angry. i shouldn't but i do. i get angry because i think. . . how can i be joyful when i'm averaging a grand total of 4 hours of sleep a night? (i'm a person who needs 8 to function). when my 2 year old fights me on every thing? when i just want a consistent routine? when i need a break to just breath? when i need a friend who truly understands and will come along side me every day to encourage me? when i desperately want to lose this weight i've been carrying for far too long but everything seems to be working against me (breast feeding helps you lose weight right? if only i were that lucky.) how can i feel joyful when i just feel like i cannot go on?

*enter deep breath*

i can feel joyful because . . just because. i'd run out of reasons listing all the reasons i can feel joyful. let's start with the fact that my kids are healthy. my husband has a steady job. we have little debt. my husband loves me and even though he is stressed out a LOT he is still encouraging and patient with me.
i can feel joyful because God has us in the palm of his hand.

i'm struggling ya'll. these are hard days. but i know they won't last. they will give way to days that a hard in different ways but i know it will only get easier to be joyful.

also, if you're reading this and thinking: what do you have to complain about? you have a great life! i do have a great life and i recognize that but it doesn't make these hard days of small child rearing any easier lately. i'm just being honest.

i cling to this verse daily...

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

Happy Monday. . . again

So I believe it will be a happy Monday once again. Russell only woke up once last night (YAY). I did oversleep my window of outdoor running but it was raining anyway so it was just as well. I woke up with James at 6AM and made coffee, saw him out the door and had a reasonable stretch of quiet time which was spent Bible reading and Facebooking.

Russell decided to wake up around 6:30 and after half an hour of trying to put him back down I decided to let him join me. :) He's not a bad early morning partner. Once his belly is full he's content to lie beside me and wiggle for a good length of time.

This morning I am happy thinking about how Art and Music is being woven into our lives. We do not calim to be connoisseurs by any stretch but James and I have a common love of both. Furthermore we have similar , though not identical tastes in each. This is a happy surprise to me. Marriage is full of surprises. Many wonderful, many confusing, some disappointing (let's be honest). We of course have to accept these surprises with grace and love and even when they are hard. But this is something I did not even consider of great importance when we first got married. Now I see the incredible richness it adds to our lives and how it is pretty important that both of us see this incredible gift (Art) as something to place somewhat of an emphasis on. Just add it to the list of 1001 things I love about James.

Speaking of Art, this is the second time I have admired a painting of a friends and as a result had it gifted to me. 

I love it. :) This was done by my 12 year old violin student. She is talented in the Arts, no? 

I feel as though my life is very interesting. It's interesting to me because I get to do so many cool things like, watch a newborn grow into an infant-discovering new sensations everyday. I get to watch a toddler blossom into a little girl with all the delights and woes that accompany it. I get to attempt to train her "in the way she should go" all the while trying to remember to balance my "training" with the grace that is shown to me every moment. I am given grace upon grace. . I in turn should try to give as much to my children. Not in the sense of letting them do what they want but in freely forgiving, always loving, never tiring of their needs or KL's disobedience...always being ready to "start over" and forgive and forget the tantrum that just happened. . to not hold it against her in any way. This how I am treated by my Father.  How wonderful.

And here is picture of my favorite little boy just because it makes me happy. 

happy monday

At the risk of being incredibly cliche and corny I have decided to use a series of prompts to get me blogging regularly. Monday-Friday I will attempt a blog post centered around a specific theme.

So, since Mondays have the reputation of being gloomy and depressing I have decided to make an effort to make them "happy" and then blog about it. So here is today's "Happy Monday" post.

My Monday started off kind of rocky. The baby woke up around 4:45 (it was the second time). After I fed him and got him settled back in James was awake and decided to go ahead and get up and go to work. After sending him off to work (he left at 5:30) I stumbled back to bed hoping for 2 more hours of sleep. Oh well, KL woke up at 6:30 but with a diaper change and a cup of milk I was able to settle her back in too! Since I was already awake I decided to make coffee. I am drinking the real stuff mostly now since it doesn't seem to affect Russell. I was able to enjoy some much needed quiet time and that made me very happy. 

When my babies did wake up we had a good morning. Russell enjoys his new bumbo very much. . although I think KL thinks it's hers! 

We all headed out to the park about 9AM and met some of our friends there. the sand pile is very popular!
Then it was time to head back in for an early lunch (we  eat at 11ish) and mama's favorite time. . . NAPS!

Things on my mind

So, I've re entered the blogosphere. I'm attempting to write my own blog but I'm also reading more blogs (as times permits).  Since I'm doing all this reading I kept thinking. . . there must be an easier way to keep up with all the blogs and websites that I like. Wallah! I RE discovered Google Reader. And then I felt really stupid for forgetting about it.

So things on my mind? Well, let's see (As KL would say):

My Babies, definitely my babies. They consume about 98% of my time and make me exhausted 100% of the time but I cannot imagine our live without them. They bring me joy and a new sense of wonder every day. Like the day KL decided to belt out "Row Row Row Your Boat" while looking through a nursery rhyme book that had an illustration next to the song. This amazed me because this is not a song I regularly sing to her. I mean I MIGHT have sung it half a dozen times total. I Sing A LOT to her. . but it's just not high on my list of songs I sing. So funny. So wondrous. She connected with this song for some reason and remembered it.

Russell just sits around being a doll mostly. He is a joy just to look at. He lights up when I smile at him. HE talks back excitedly when I talk to him. He is my heart, my snuggle bunny and how did we get along without him for so long?

On my mind is my new interest in "looking put together." HA! Hopefully it lasts. I bought some jeans that fit (still a bit snug but the next size was too big). I bought a pretty top and a pair of black pants. I also bought a lipstick and some eye shadow! I am on a roll. Judging from the compliments I got when i "assembled" myself I figure I better try to stick with it because I must have looked SCARY before. LOL

                                          (the setting of a recent band performance. out in the country on a crisp, Fall Mississippi evening. nothing like it.)

On my mind is also my love of music and my attempt to balance this love and desire to be active in pursuing opportunities to teach, perform, and just play with the needs of my family. My family comes first, but James and I began this journey with the idea that my continual involvement in musical pursuits would serve as educational for our family as well as pleasurable. There is also the need for a musician to be continually well. . being a musician. As it is I DO NOT practice even a fraction of the time I did when I was in college, but if I didn't have gigs here and there or a couple student I think I would surely dry up as a musician. Maybe not completely but it would be hard to pick it back up I think.

On my mind is also my dear husband. What a saint he is. He tolerates, encourages and supports me at every turn. He is truly a servant leader and I am so thankful for him.

discoveries

So a lot of my perusing of the internet is generally time wasting but sometimes I find things worthwhile. Here are a couple blogs I have been enjoying lately.

To Think Is To Create- I am LOVING this blog. This lady is awesome.

I have loved this blog for awhile now. - her style is amazing. Her pics are exquisite. Her recipe's have never failed me.

In addition to all my time wasting on the internets I have been thinking a lot about body image. Wah wah wah. . . yah here we go. I am on a weight loss journey. I am a mom of two precious children and I have the body scars to prove it. I believe I will reach my goal and be a healthier person with more energy to play with my kids (have more kids ;) ) and do the things I feel called to do as the domestic engineer of my home. I BELIEVE that I WILL get there. . . eventually. I have recently started a eating very similar to the Atkins diet. I have come to hate the idea of a fad diets but I am trying to look at my new way of eating as just healthy. I eat a lot of veggies and eggs both of which are good for you. I eat meat too but try not to over eat or eat super fatty stuff. Bottom line: it's working. I lost about 8 pounds pretty fast and now it's going a bit more slowly. But that's OK. I'll get there.

 In the mean time. . . . I HAVE NO CLOTHES! My maternity/ post partum type pants are too loose now but my jeans still don't fit. I intentionally got rid of a lot of stuff recently. Stuff I've had since college. Stuff I paid $5 for and now it really looks like it etc etc. So with the exception of 2 small boxes at the top of my closet with a few things I hope to be able to wear in a year, my wardrobe literally consists of 3 pairs of jeans that don't fit yet (getting close), about a thousand T shirts, exercise pants and shorts and a few skirts and may be 3 decent looking tops. So guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy some clothes! Yes, and I don't care if I have to buy 2 sizes up from my normal size (which was already too big in my opinion). Mama, needs to look decent again. Then, when those clothes are too big I will pack them up to be used as postpartum clothes for the next baby. And then I'll really go shopping! It'll all work. :) I just need to feel pretty again.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon.

Why am I suddenly blogging again? I honestly don't know. I don't really have anything to say. KL peed on the floor, Russell blew out his diaper, I ate about 3 spoonfuls of peanut butter because I couldn't wait to scramble 2 eggs for my lunch. ( Yes, I am on the infamous high protein diet. . it's working if I don't cheat.) That's the news from Lake Wobegon. . . . . .

No seriously I think I get lonesome sometimes. I have friends, don't get me wrong but being a stay at home mom of an infant and a toddler (who is TRYING to potty train) can feel rather isolating at times. For some reason it's made me want to write about it. . .  because i'm an extrovert and if you don't like it you can get over it. ;) Id like to share some of my kitchen chaos on here eventually. Maybe soon. I LOVE to bake. Much too much.

It's ALMOST feeling like Fall around here. We will have a few beautiful days only to be greeted by horrid humidity after a few days more. Oh well. Maybe one day I can wear a sweater all day and not feel like I need to rip it off at 10AM.

Plans for this blog include: baking experiments, baby adventures, toddler adventures, and the odd musical endeavor. stay tuned.


Meanwhile I am staring down the barrel of nap time. Otherwise known as the time where I try to get a days worth of chores accomplished in 2.5 hours and squeeze in a little quiet time too.

Maybe if I keep rambling I'll come up with something worth while. Peace out ya'll.

Just me.

I am a sensitive person. Ok, I am a VERY sensitive person. Those who have known me only a short time may find it hard to believe that i used to be a LOT more sensitive. How is that possible? It's possible. . there are scars on my marriage to prove it. Ok, that sounds a bit extreme. Lets just say that James and I could have avoided many a conflict if I was not so sensitive. . and yes maybe if he were a bit MORE sensitive. But that's neither here nor there. We've both improved. He is much more thoughtful than he used to be and yes I have improved too. But still the fact remains, I am a sensitive person.

I try to spin this in different ways in my head. I am sensitive. Translation: I am an artist! Or, I am so much kinder than other people BECAUSE of my tendency to be ultra sensitive. I try to make it into a virtuous thing. It isn't. It's just what it is. Yes, maybe there are some pluses to being sensitive. . SOMETIMES. But most of the time it just ends in my being a big baby all the time. My feelings get hurt easily. It's so bad that my TWO YEAR OLD is capable of hurting my feelings!

Here's the point. I am trying to figure out how I am to use this trait. God made me this way. He made me ultra sensitive. HE didn't intend for my feelings to be hurt constantly (as they are) but HE did intend for me to be a certain instrument. . a certain part of the body. My sensitivity must be turned toward others I think. I think? I know! I must stop turning inward and reveling in my hurt feelings over someone's words or being left out or overlooked. The more I turn outward with a giving heart, sensitivity and thoughtfulness to others the more I am glorifying my Father. The more I strive to cultivate a thankful heart the better it will go for me and the easier it will be to deal with the hurts that come. I'll be able to "get over myself" and get on with the business of loving people instead of myself.

Hard lesson. :)