blessed

The title of this post is Blessed. So cliche, so overused but this is the only word to describe my life. I complain and moan and consider medicating myself heavily almost daily.
My 2.5 year old is learning how to be a smart alec...my 8 month old is causing me to reintroduce baby gates to this home. The afore mentioned 8 month old is also about to get ferberized once these two top teeth come through.

Several times a week we pack the kids up into our double stroller and take a long walk. Call it part stress reliever, part exercise, part one of the few times mom and dad get to converse with each other and catch up (by the times kids are in bed conversation is usually not high on the priority list).  At any rate it is a ritual and most times both kids are good little travelers and either sing, talk or or take turns kicking each other (russell purely by accident of course).

This evening we decided to run a little. We ran about 2.5 miles and then decided to walk back feeling very proud that by the time all was said and done we would have covered FIVE miles. The kids were not cooperating all that well though and as we turned around to go home all hell broke loose. Russell was out and out screaming and proceeded to do so for the next mile. We finally took pity on him and put him in the Ergo on my. This worked for awhile. We were sweaty, tired and at least 1.5 miles from home. KL wasn't too happy either and Russell started to protest again after a little while. James and I were starting to get frustrated but held it in knowing we would be home soon. As I surveyed my little family in all our sweaty bedraggledness .. baby fussing, toddler whining for some milk to drink etc etc. . I suddenly thought: what if we were homeless? What if we were walking, sweating, exhausted, looking for the next shelter or someone to give us some spare change so we could buy some thing for our toddler to eat that night? what if the baby was hungry and sick and my supply was bad due to poor nutrition? What if James had not had a job in a long time? What if we had no support system? No family of any kind? What if we couldn't take care of our children? Of course we all like to think we know the neediness around us and give to charity occasionally. But how often do we truly try to imagine what it would be like? It's not fun. . It's not pretty. But it is convicting.

For the moment my selfishness, my moaning and complaining fell away.  I told James what I was thinking and we both soberly nodded at how blessed we were. I heard my voice become kinder to my toddler and my heart swell with thankfulness and soften with sympathy towards the family who this very evening may be struggling with some sort of neediness that I have never known and have no idea how to relate to. I prya the Lord would make me tender daily towards the needs of others and think of my own trials as nothing and only Thank Him daily for my blessings. So blessed. That's all i can say.

how can i be joyful today?

sounds so plastic, fake, and just nauseating doesn't it? lately when i force myself to think about joy i just get angry. i shouldn't but i do. i get angry because i think. . . how can i be joyful when i'm averaging a grand total of 4 hours of sleep a night? (i'm a person who needs 8 to function). when my 2 year old fights me on every thing? when i just want a consistent routine? when i need a break to just breath? when i need a friend who truly understands and will come along side me every day to encourage me? when i desperately want to lose this weight i've been carrying for far too long but everything seems to be working against me (breast feeding helps you lose weight right? if only i were that lucky.) how can i feel joyful when i just feel like i cannot go on?

*enter deep breath*

i can feel joyful because . . just because. i'd run out of reasons listing all the reasons i can feel joyful. let's start with the fact that my kids are healthy. my husband has a steady job. we have little debt. my husband loves me and even though he is stressed out a LOT he is still encouraging and patient with me.
i can feel joyful because God has us in the palm of his hand.

i'm struggling ya'll. these are hard days. but i know they won't last. they will give way to days that a hard in different ways but i know it will only get easier to be joyful.

also, if you're reading this and thinking: what do you have to complain about? you have a great life! i do have a great life and i recognize that but it doesn't make these hard days of small child rearing any easier lately. i'm just being honest.

i cling to this verse daily...

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17